I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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