So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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