I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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