Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
