don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
