A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
