I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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