he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You did what with his pubic hair?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
