yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
