Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
