Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
