Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
