My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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