Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
