I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
