hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
