Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
