My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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