forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
