After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
