White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
