The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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