Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
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My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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