Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
