remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
