dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
