I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
