I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
