I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
