We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
