She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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