Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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