Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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