I will die if light touches me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
