you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
