genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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