hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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