The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
