I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
