This is not my ceiling
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
