OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
