Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
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