his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
there was a trapeze. enough said
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
