these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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