you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
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he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
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There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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