Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.