I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.