i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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