Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
