Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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