Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
