I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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