So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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