The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
