dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
