I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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