Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
