i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
