if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
