the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
