i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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