I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
