Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
